Wednesday, June 10, 2009

A Letter to my Spiritual Family

All-

As you know, my Hous and I have been wrestling for a long time over getting the cochlear implant. All of you know that Houston and I prayed first for a supernatural healing but felt that door was being closed to open the cochlear implant (CI) door.  We utterly believe that our God heals supernaturally but sometimes supernatural healing does not bring the greater glory to Him. With that in mind, I underwent a series of tests to determine if I was even a candidate for a CI. As most of you know, I passed all of those tests and am meeting with the surgeon on Tuesday to discuss CI surgery dates.

One of the downside of having a CI is that it is not compatible with MRI scans because of a magnetic component that is implanted in the recipient's skull. The magnet has to be removed surgically every time an MRI is done. Although there is one CI that can be used with the MRI, right now it does not seem to be a good fit with my hearing needs.

Many of you know that I have been monitored with MRIs every 3 to 5 years for a pituitary tumor that I had removed in 1995. Because I have not had any growth that needed to be treated surgically, my plan was to forgo the MRI scans and just monitor the situation by blood work and medication. My endocrinologist concurred with this plan but wanted to do a final MRI before moving forward even though I just had one last year. I completed that scan on Monday morning.

Yesterday my endocrinologist informed us that a 13 mm (1/2 in) cyst appeared on MRI in front of pituitary. Apparently it was on last year's scan but somehow it went unnoticed by the radiologist. It has not changed in size from last year to this and is well delineated. All in all, she is confident that it is likely a congenital cyst and not problematic. However, she is referring me to a neurosurgeon at Vanderbilt to discuss my options. The cyst in itself does not trouble us because I am not symptomatic. However, this event raises questions about moving forward with the CI. 

For us, the CI is a big deal and a path fraught with many tears, wrestling and perpetual struggles with faith. 

Is this recent event a closing of the CI door or just a testing of faith? I know that He is my constant source of stability and that He provides great wisdom and safety for those who fear Him (Isaiah 33:6). However, I see the storm clouds gathering and I know my weak nature: easily distracted, will naturally choose an easier path and prone to shift my eyes off Him and onto my circumstances. I feel a great need to feel His hand on my head and His encirclement of me (Psalms 139:5). 

All of this to ask if you would pray over me just once. At the risk of coming across as demanding or ungrateful, I ask that you refrain from praying for me if you are not led to do so. I am doing a fine job in the lukewarm department and don't need help there. I need for you to be either hot or cold. If you can not pray for me with passion, please have the courage not to pray at all. There is a time for duty but this is not one of them. 

I don't need Sunday school prayers nor meaningless words. I need strong intervention. I need the storming of heaven, claiming of scriptures, and drawing of the sword against the author of uncertainty, lies and lukewarmness. I need prayers for clarity, peace, guidance, and faith.

your name is on this list because you have a place in our hearts.
           you are ours whether you are cold or hot

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